On Becoming Caterpillar Soup
AKA Being in the void, a dark night of the soul, or not knowing wtf is going on during perimenopause.
I am in the ‘caterpillar soup’ of perimenopause.
And have been for a couple of years now
One way it’s manifesting for me is not quite knowing who I am any more.
Have you felt that too?
On one level, I’m clearer than ever on my values, certain boundaries, and confidence in my identity as a writer.
And yet…
There’s also a sense of shifting sands beneath me, a sense of my old self dissolving, of change … without knowing wtf is coming next.
It’s like the caterpillar of my pre-perimenopausal self has turned to mush and I’m in that in-betweeny broken down soupy stage with no idea when I’ll be ready to emerge, post-menopause, as the butterfly of my new self.
I'm the caterpillar soup.
I’m in the soul forge of midlife.
I'm in the fertile void.
All seems dark.
The call to surrender
The leaves of the masks I used to wear lie dead and decaying ...
But there are seeds of what's to come next scattered all around, waiting to come to life in their own good time.
And, after a while of struggling with this, I'm moving into a curious but rather delightful sense of equanimity about it.
To use the terminology of author and menopause mentor Kate Codrington in her wonderful book Second Spring, perhaps I’m moving from the separation phase of perimenopause into the stage of surrender.
I'm sharing this with you because I sense that this is a natural feeling that arises in midlife - especially if we can consciously engage with the peri/menopause as a sacred rite of passage, which is my intention and daily practice.
Honouring the call to change
Have you experienced this too? A sense of the sands of your life shifting, and not quite being able to feel the ground any more?
I believe this is because we ARE changing.
We are NOT who we once were and - more importantly - we are not meant to be.
Midlife is a rite of passage that asks us to leave behind our old self in order to make space for the new self that is forming - ready to emerge with its own divine timing.
We are in a chrysalis, turning into mush! It's difficult. It hurts. But I think it hurts more to try and resist it.
So I am honouring this call to reflect and be open to what is calling to be healed within me and what is dying so I can be reborn.
I am honouring my need for mental space and soul space.
I'm walking daily, I'm sitting in stillness, I’m opening to inner visions and the whispers of my soul & I'm writing.
Soul Reflections
If you’re with me in feeling like this, then I invite you to sit with these questions if they call to you:
What do YOU need to honour within yourself at this point in your life?
And, what small step can you take towards honouring that?
I'll leave you with a new (as yet) unpublished poem that speaks to this midlife discombobulation.
I hope it speaks to your soul!
I Don’t Know
I don’t know who I am any more.
My body is changing,
My face is ageing,
My steps feel uncertain.
I don’t know who I am any more.
All the old identities
And labels I’d worked for
Are falling away.
I don’t know who I am any more.
My inner world
Is spinning
And I can’t make it stop.
I don’t know who I am any more.
The leaves on the tree
That was once in full bloom
Are changing colour, getting ready to drop.
Yet, perhaps this not knowing
Is a gift
In disguise.
A clue
From the other side.
Maybe this not knowing
Is a chance
To stop
Breathe, and pause.
What if this not knowing
Is an invitation
To become
Who I was always meant to be?
So yes, I don’t know who I am any more.
What a delicious
Opportunity
To decide
To be me.
